Joe and the Meister

Joe shows his caring, compassionate side

The Stonemeister — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 13:17:14 GMT

I forwarded Joey a copy of an email I sent to my Pulmonologist, wherein I asked him about medical procedures that may help my emphysema. Here’s the chat session with Joe where he demonstrates his limitless compassion and support.

Joey (2/11/2008 11:51:31 PM): read your email

Joey (2/11/2008 11:51:43 PM): what a melodramatic pussy!

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:52:15 PM): yeah, i'm just begging for attention

Joey (2/11/2008 11:52:59 PM): and presumptuous as ever!

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:53:15 PM): what do you think?

Joey (2/11/2008 11:53:16 PM): maybe you'd like to tel a monkey how to climb a tree

Joey (2/11/2008 11:53:30 PM): or tell a bird how to fly

Joey (2/11/2008 11:53:53 PM): or show Jeffrey Dahmer how to eat people

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:53:58 PM): what the eff are you talking about?

Joey (2/11/2008 11:54:29 PM): your medical advice to the good doctors

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:55:01 PM): we had some discussions when i was in denver, and i was following up asking him questions, not giving advice, you ass

Joey (2/11/2008 11:55:06 PM): Have you considered using laser to burn holes in peoples lungs...

Joey (2/11/2008 11:55:36 PM): just bustin' your shoes, doctor!

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:55:40 PM): they do it for other organs, i was asking if they did it for the lungs

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:55:55 PM): no, i was putting two plus two together, i'm sure someone's doing it

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:56:16 PM): there is a procedure where they punch holes in the lungs, and keep them open with stents, which are like grommets

Joey (2/11/2008 11:56:25 PM): are any of your colleagues smart enough to look up information on the internet, doctor?

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:56:29 PM): sounds to me the grommets will eventually fall out, and i don't like the sound of that

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:56:53 PM): so i asked him if they were using a laser procedure instead, like they are doing for the heart and the pericardium

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:56:59 PM): those are 2 i know about

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:57:13 PM): pardon me for asking a fucking informed question

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:57:36 PM): would you prefer this? "can yoo guys fix me up?"

Joey (2/11/2008 11:57:39 PM): let me ask you something, doctor, can you walk and chew gum at the same time?

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:57:52 PM): yeah, that's the same thing

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:58:28 PM): i was asking him a coherent question, looking for as much of an answer as i can understand

Joey (2/11/2008 11:58:47 PM): Would you and your colleagues mind if I come back sometime and provide you with a more detailed description of the procedure?

Stonemeister (2/11/2008 11:58:52 PM): excuse me for being interested in the subject, my fucking life is on the line here

Joey (2/11/2008 11:59:53 PM): since you obviously aren't up on all the latest techniques in respiratory surgery

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:00:09 AM): right

Joey (2/12/2008 12:00:19 AM): but, I'm not a physician, mind you

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:00:37 AM): i'm not an idiot either

Joey (2/12/2008 12:01:16 AM): just a patient taking an active interest in his own self preservation...and a class A know-it-all!

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:01:26 AM): here's something to read. just scroll down to Prognosis: www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/common/standard/transform.jsp?requestURI=/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/emphysema.jsp

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:02:35 AM): so lay off, will you?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:05:24 AM): are you still sounding out the words?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:10:09 AM): interesting

Joey (2/12/2008 12:10:18 AM): just read the whole thing

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:10:23 AM): i only asked you to read one paragraph

Joey (2/12/2008 12:10:39 AM): couldn't put it down

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:10:39 AM): as you can see, i don't have alot of time to fuck around

Joey (2/12/2008 12:10:51 AM): no, not really

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:11:08 AM): i'm probably on borrowed time now

Joey (2/12/2008 12:11:23 AM): it also said that proper nutrition is helpful

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:11:36 AM): that's why i doubled up on mallowmars

Joey (2/12/2008 12:11:40 AM): not 400 calorie aer day diets

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:11:46 AM): 200

Joey (2/12/2008 12:12:04 AM): why not go ghandi?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:12:17 AM): maybe i should

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:12:23 AM): he didn't die young

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:12:35 AM): now that i'm all cheered up, i'm going to bed

Joey (2/12/2008 12:12:40 AM): he didn't die well either

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:12:46 AM): with my wife

Joey (2/12/2008 12:12:57 AM): what's that?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:13:10 AM): going to bed with my wife...remember that experience/

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:13:11 AM): ?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:13:25 AM): is that something married couples do on a regular basis?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:13:32 AM): we do

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:13:43 AM): i'll talk to you tomorrow sometime

Joey (2/12/2008 12:13:55 AM): what's that thing men and women do...that thing with the lips?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:14:12 AM): you mean suck out each other's colons?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:14:22 AM): yea, that's it!

Joey (2/12/2008 12:14:30 AM): I'd like to do that

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:14:44 AM): to me?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:15:01 AM): is that an option right now?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:15:02 AM): just don't get my hemmrhoids caught between your teeth

Joey (2/12/2008 12:15:25 AM): I'll try to avoid anything purple and bleeding

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:15:30 AM): but do it romantically

Joey (2/12/2008 12:15:42 AM): flowers?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:15:53 AM): diamonds maybe?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:15:58 AM): just work around the congealed blobs of fecal matter

Joey (2/12/2008 12:16:12 AM): didn't you say you were tired?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:16:18 AM): yes

Joey (2/12/2008 12:16:22 AM): that was uncalled for!

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:16:34 AM): which part?

Joey (2/12/2008 12:16:56 AM): suggesting I romantically suck out your colon

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:17:11 AM): ok, then do it out of common courtesy

Joey (2/12/2008 12:17:19 AM): pity

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:17:26 AM): sold!

Joey (2/12/2008 12:17:51 AM): have a good night sleep, Ill talk to you in the am

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 12:18:02 AM): later. enjoy the pics

Joey (2/12/2008 12:18:05 AM): no, I'm not threatening you

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:03:45 PM): love bucket?

Joey (2/12/2008 9:19:08 PM): shat monster?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:19:46 PM): yeah

Joey (2/12/2008 9:19:54 PM): hey

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:20:15 PM): i submitted a comment on hotair to hillary and obama. want to read it?

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:20:18 PM): here it is

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:20:22 PM): I think Americans are sick of double-speaking democrats and their socialist candidates. Americans understand what the war is really about, and want to win as opposed to facing Sharia law; they want to keey their money, not donate it to DC to redistribute to drug addicts and other assorted parasites (personal or corporate); they believe our country was based on Judeo-Christian tenets, not on homosexual, trans-gendered, atheistic philosophies; they respect the laws - all laws, not just the ones they choose to respect; they believe federal judges should argue the constitutionality, not the popularity or social holistics, of laws; they believe that capitalism and free markets work, especially given 10,000+ year of fine-tuning, and don't want social experimenting on ideas like communism, state

Joey (2/12/2008 9:20:23 PM): brb

Stonemeister (2/12/2008 9:20:52 PM): -run healthcare, and income redistribution; and they don't like being lied to, as the ends do not justify the means. You gotta give credit to the people.

Joey (2/12/2008 9:21:41 PM): can't chat right at the moment

Joey (2/12/2008 9:22:07 PM): gotta do some stuff and head down to San Clemente to pick up Joey

Joey (2/12/2008 9:22:18 PM): I'll call you from the car

Is that email address right?

The Stonemeister — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 02:35:41 GMT

Joey: sperm wrangler?

Stonemeister: i got fired from my recruiter job

Joey: ;pissed off your computer?

Stonemeister: sexual harassment

Joey: at least it was worth it

Joey: you had some fun in the process

Stonemeister: not really, was whacking off at amy winehouse pictures

Joey: you too?

Stonemeister: i consider it a sport, actually

Stonemeister: a dangerous sport

Joey: a blood sport

Stonemeister: got a concussion last night from it

Joey: it could happen

Stonemeister: and a black eye

Stonemeister: and a broken toe

Joey: does amy know?

Stonemeister: i sent her the pics

Stonemeister: and pics of my genitalia

Joey: the before or after oics?

Stonemeister: her email address is the.pope@thevatican.org, isn't it?

Joey: pics

Joey: or the during pics

Stonemeister: all the above

Stonemeister: hope that email address was right

Joey: a glistening stream of milky, viscous semen hurtling gloriously in mid flight

Stonemeister: did i get the email address right?

Stonemeister: just in case, i copied it to barbara.bush@crawford.com

Joey: toward its final destination in the napkin

Joey: you might want to see about trying to get those emails back

Joey: or get yourself good representation

Stonemeister: i told her when she has a kid, i wanted the sex up the umbilical chord

Stonemeister: sent that email to sex.perversion@fbi.org

Stonemeister: i think i spelled it right

Joey: expect a visit by some men in dark suits soon

Stonemeister: why, did i typo the email address or something?

Joey: there's that possibility

Joey: were you holding a koran in any of these pics you sent?

Stonemeister: i drew a picture of mohammed blowing a pig while being anally serviced by hassidic jews, and listed my home address, my complete outlook calendar, and all my worst fears, and emailed it to you at your alternative email address, all.the.muslims.in.the.world@mecca.com

Stonemeister: did you get it?

Joey: sorry on phone with tony

Joey: told him I was bringing my h.r. puffinstuff lunchbox

Stonemeister: did you get that email?

Stonemeister: i hope i didn't mistype your email address

Joey: yes, thank you

Stonemeister: whew!

Stonemeister: would my face be red if that fell into the wrong hands

Stonemeister: i'd have to make some real mea culpas

Joey: there were some angry looking men with ak 47s and towels on their heads asking about you though

Stonemeister: probably just some lost tourists

Joey: gave them your address

Stonemeister: they didn't have it?

Joey: and the address of your temple

Stonemeister: i had a mapquest map and gps coordinates in the email

Stonemeister: i seem to recall including step-by-step instructions for the manufacture of large quantities of vx gas too

Joey: they must have known you from long ago because they seemed to call you by the nickname infidel a lot

Stonemeister: yeah, i still get that from college

Joey: is "jihad" some kind of frat prank?

Stonemeister: i think they meant "jared". he was such a goof

Stonemeister: easy mistake

Joey: the guy from subway?

Stonemeister: yep

Joey: oh

Stonemeister: he's not as funny nowadays since he lost weight

Joey: I gotta take a dump

Stonemeister: me too

Stonemeister: let's have a race

Slips of the tongue

The Stonemeister — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 02:32:29 GMT

Joey: Dr. Ulmelmahay?

Stonemeister: bugger? i'm filling out a job app, gimme a sec?

Joey: Mr. Cocktoastin?

Stonemeister: ok, done

BUZZ!!!

Joey: knob gobbler?

Stonemeister: that would be me

Joey: hang on making some cereal

Stonemeister: don't set fire to the house

Joey: one of the ladies from my knitting class gave me the recipe for corn flakes

Stonemeister: burn the house down making it?

Joey: no, but I did break a nail tearing open the box

Stonemeister: i ruptured a disk making a fizzy once

Joey: the hard part of the recipe is collecting the toenail clipping

Stonemeister: i fractured both femurs making opening a packet of swiss miss

Joey: and the monkey feet

Stonemeister: i accidentally shot dr. martin luther king when i slipped opening a bag of fritos

Joey: I suffered spinal stenosis opening a box of four cheese frozen pizza

Joey: accidentally kidnapping Patty Hearst in the process

Stonemeister: i accidentally drove a 767 into a skyscraper while trying to inhale some sugar from a saliva-wettened pixie stick

Joey: twice

Stonemeister: you saw?

Stonemeister: was my face red!

Stonemeister: i gassed 8,000 kurds in response to biting into a too-hot hot pocket

Stonemeister: but then who hasn't?

Joey: one of the worst air disasters in the history of high fructose snack school lunch snack products

Stonemeister: i believe it was in the top ten

Stonemeister: if not, it should have been

Joey: I mixed this other kellogg cereal with the corn flakes

Joey: tastes like crap

Stonemeister: i brutally raped and murdered 48 young girls and prostitutes and dumped their bodies in the Green River while trying to get a straw into a box of cherry hi-c

Joey: has one of those names that's supposed to make you think it's healthy

Stonemeister: diarhea-o's

Joey: but, its got more sugar than a 2 litre bottle of coke

Stonemeister: you read my hi-c accident?

Joey: it's called Smart Start

Joey: should be called diabetes start

Stonemeister: colon blow

Joey: or double extremity amputation start

Stonemeister: today i accept that commission-only job as a recruiter

Joey: officially

Stonemeister: kinda

Stonemeister: work from home

Joey: when do you start working

Stonemeister: probably monday

Stonemeister: they're calling at 12, they really want me

Joey: better than a sharp stick in your tongue

Stonemeister: they like the fact that i know IT well, plus they like my marketing ideas

Joey: how are you gonna recruit

Stonemeister: well

Joey: use the same tactics you use with nambla

Stonemeister: i recommended they use a cartoon mascot for their offshoring contracts. it's a fat little pig with a beard and a turban, and his name is little-mo

Joey: excellent!

Stonemeister: well thought out

Joey: how about a giant, animated glob of mucous?

Stonemeister: that's even worse

Stonemeister: unless you make it a cowboy

Stonemeister: then it's loveable

Joey: that's why you're a genius

Stonemeister: they're going to make it a float for the macy's parade

Stonemeister: and fill it with real mucous harvested from homeless addicts

Joey: nobody would have gone to the cowboy hat

Stonemeister: when santa comes out, the pop the float

Joey: outside the box thinking

Stonemeister: the crowd will love it

Stonemeister: who doesn't love being inundated with disease-ridden mucous?

Joey: PT Barnum would be proud

Stonemeister: linus pauling would be proud

Joey: "There's a nasal discharge covered sucker born every day"

Stonemeister: can't you imagine all the fun the crowd will have?

Stonemeister: slipping, sliding, romping ankle deep in mucous

Joey: and the extra revenue generated from the tissues to clean up the mess

Stonemeister: why clean it up? just wait for it to dry up, people will pick it for pure pleasure

Stonemeister: some will furtively eat it

Stonemeister: fun will be had by all

Joey: well, I'd love to keep brainstorming these innovative marketing ideas with you, but I gotta start my day

Stonemeister: i'm a freaking genius!

Joey: Lenny the Menny could be counted on the eat the dried mucous

Stonemeister: could make it a contest

Joey: bring him in as a consultant

Stonemeister: way ahead of you

Joey: write it off

Joey: actually, wouldn't have to pay him

Stonemeister: invite celebrities to challenge him

Joey: his hobby is eating dried mucous

Stonemeister: paris hilton, aretha franklin, larry king

Joey: well known dried mucous eaters all

Stonemeister: sandra day o'connor

Joey: Dr. Henry Kissinger

Stonemeister: stephen hawking

Joey: I imagine he produces a bit of it himself

Joey: just can't cough it up

Stonemeister: i can't stop imagining that

Joey: I could be relied upon in a pinch

Joey: glad to help

Stonemeister: so can tom brady

Stonemeister: margaret thatcher

Joey: the entire Green Bay Packer roster when they play at home in January

Stonemeister: heidi klum

Stonemeister: she can really pack it away

Joey: there was more per capita mucous being produced on the sideline of that Giants playoff game than anywhere else in the world

Stonemeister: they were moonlighting for the macy's day parade

Joey: Tom Coughlin filled up a shopping bag all by himself!

Stonemeister: he brought some from home

Joey: I understand Eli Manning kept his in a zip lock baggy in his helmut

Stonemeister: i heard that too

Joey: well, vince, I gotta be movin' on

Stonemeister: later

Joey: I'll call you from the road later

Joey: late